Halfway There! And Ready to Open Up…

These days, the snow always makes me simultaneously happy and sad. I think it’s because the snow reminds me of my childhood and the innocence of that time. I also loved how my mom found so much joy in the little things, like snow days. Even as an adult, I could always expect a text from my mom telling me to be safe, and to make sure I enjoyed a nice hot cup of hot cocoa and French toast for breakfast. I always admired her ability to do that and wanted to see life through her eyes. Despite the many struggles she endured in life, she never lost that innocence.

Grief makes it hard to enjoy anything at first. Everything that should be happy is a constant reminder of the pain you feel and the person you long to share those moments with. You become resentful of the people who still hold that innocence because you want that back. You want to feel safe again. You want the luxury of not knowing what you know now.

Pregnancy after loss and fertility struggles feels a lot like this too. There are a range of emotions - from excitement to inescapable fear. Every week that goes by is a huge accomplishment as you inch your way to the finish line. You keep telling yourself, “I’ll be happy when I hit this milestone,” and then you pass it feeling assured by cautious. I have been trying to put into words how I have been feeling and I always fall short because the emotions are so overwhelming. Words that come to mind that begin to describe how I have been feeling are: grateful, scared, anxious, happy, overwhelmed, loving, desperate, sad, joyous, anticipatory, disbelief, eager, and guilty. The one word I can tell you that I long for is: safe. I want to feel safe again, in this body and in this life of mine. When you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced, you lose the innocence of feeling safe. You are constantly on edge. Anxiety will do that to you too. But for the next half of this pregnancy, I am going to practice the word safe.

Yesterday, I had my 20w1d anatomy scan and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t anxious. I had nightmares every single night leading up to that appointment. But it went perfectly. It wasn’t until I opened up the pictures of our baby that I let myself fully embrace all of the feelings I was experiencing. Henry came back into the car from dropping things off at the post office to me sobbing. We’ve been through so much and for the past three years it has felt like I’ve been holding my breath. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could take a breath, that I could take off a tiny piece of the armor I have been wearing.

In addition to simply trying to process all of the emotions I have been feeling, I have also felt guilty. My lifeline the past few years has been following other women in the social media universe who were going through what I was going through because I didn’t have anyone in my personal circle that had been through the same. If you look online, infertility is defined as “the inability to conceive children” which is why I don’t like to use the term often and I rather say “fertility struggles” instead. Infertility does not necessarily always mean the inability to conceive children, it’s the ability for so many women to fight like hell and put their bodies through unimaginable physical and emotion pain to have a child, a child they will never take for granted because they know how miraculous it is just for them to exist in this world. We are all miracles. Life itself is a miracle. Which is why, even though I intimately know how sudden death can be, I have to embrace this life I was given…because it is truly a miracle.

But back to the guilt. There are so many women who are still fighting. They do not deserve the cards they have been dealt, which I why I am very careful about what I share online. Trust me, before I knew the reality of fertility struggles, I did not care at all when I saw a bump pic or an ultrasound photo. But the reality is, these photos are triggering to so many women because it’s a constant reminder of their nightmare. The problem is many of these women are suffering in silence so you probably have no idea your family member or friend is currently in pain. I have thrown my phone, cried in bathrooms, and spent the day in bed after seeing so many of these photos. The quote is true: “You never know what someone is going through. Be kind. Always.”

I also know that my story also carries the ability to bring hope to those battling grief and fertility struggles. This is a delicate balance I am still trying to find. I want to honor and respect the people going through hell right now and I also want to recognize the fact that I have been through hell to get to this point in our journey.

We are now in our 20th week of pregnancy (halfway there!) and I have not planned one single thing or opened up because of fear, which I know so many women have experienced. I’d love to connect with other women who can relate and have dealt with these very confusing emotions and experiences. I’d also love some tips on how to get started on planning because I am feeling very lost. You can comment or email me at bonnie@bonniedugan.com.

Mom, I have naturally been struggling with the fact that I am going through this process without you physically by my side. I think there is a part of me that is avoiding the intense pain that it brings because I am trying to compartmentalize all of the overwhelming emotions I have been feeling. I am sorry I have not written as much. I have just been trying to process. Despite this new layer of grief, I am grateful for you and all of the lessons and love you handed out so freely. I know I will be a good mother because you were the best. I promise that I will talk about you every single day and that our child(ren) will always know who you are. Even though we both know you left earth side way too early, before your time was up, I feel lucky that I did have 31 years with you because it’s those 31 years that I will take with me for the rest of my life and into this new chapter. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift.

I love you infinity, Mom.

Love,

Your Sweetheart

xoxo