I’m Fine (Not Really)

C.C. turned two and I’m absolutely not fine.

On one hand, I am thrilled and so grateful to have watched this little human grow these past few years. She is fierce and full of personality and it’s an absolute joy being her mom (minus the daily food and sleep battle 🤣). But truly, I couldn’t have dreamt up this little awesome person. She is the absolute best. Words will never adequately describe how thankful I am.

On the other, I am devastated and sad that she turned two and is moving farther away from being my baby, the one I fought for and cried endless tears waiting for.

I also grieve her being a big sister to Brighton. In my perfect world, her sibling would be two years younger, and for 14 weeks that dream was coming true. It’s still hard to believe that it isn’t happening, that he’s gone, that I won’t be bringing him earth side in August, that I likely won’t even be pregnant in August.

My mom is still not here to watch her grow, to hug me and comfort me in my moments of intense grief, to tell me that I’m doing a good job and she’s proud of me.

It’s a mixed bag of emotions.

I’m trying to compartmentalize the best I can and be as celebratory as possible for C.C., but dang it is hard. I am sad, really sad. The kind of sad that makes you not want to get out of bed in the morning. The kind of sad that makes it hard to take care of yourself. The kind of sad that leaves you feeling lost in a crowd of happy people.

But every time C.C. looks up at me with a smile, runs to me to give me a hug, or says “mommy,” I’m reminded that even with heavy sadness, happiness can exist, miracles can happen, and life can be beautiful.

I’m not sure if that’s me tying up this blog post with a pretty little bow, but I do think it’s my truth. I still have no idea how to exist in this life where intense sadness and intense joy can exist but here we are.

Mom, you should be here watching my little girl grow up. She now says “Cak Cak” and points to your picture in her room. Tonight, she said “I love you” and I nearly lost it. You are here in our hearts, but I will always yearn for you actually here in our home.

Love you, infinity.

Your sweetheart xoxoxo