Bonnie Dugan

The other day C.C. made some sounds that formed into “Mmmmmmmomm.” So Henry and I are calling it. Mom was her first word.

It’s interesting how that word makes me feel. When my mom died, any mention of the “M” word had me hiding in the bathroom stalls sobbing, which was basically every day, multiple times a day. My emotions ranged from sadness to anger to guilt, and it was overwhelming. It still is very overwhelming.

It’s hard for me to consider myself a mom. I don’t know if it’s because the word itself is a trigger for me or if I’m still in shock that I am actually, finally, a mom.

Being a mom to a daughter is another layer of grief that I’ve been having a hard time explaining. I am to Cora what I desperately need for myself. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine myself as a child with my mom. Being a mom to C.C. has me yearning for that feeling of home and, for whatever reason, I can’t find it in the home that I’m in. I wish I had more photos of me as a baby with my mom.

Hormones? Probably. Postpartum depression/anxiety? Absolutely. Do I understand these feelings? Nope. I wish I did because I am constantly trying to figure it out.

All I know is that between the pandemic and working from home that I haven’t left my house in weeks, maybe even longer, and the thought of going outside is very overwhelming. I feel everything at once and then I feel nothing at all.

Breastfeeding when your child is already tiny is so nerve wrecking. Is she getting enough? It doesn’t help that everything from our hospital stay stays with me. She has steadily continued on her growth curve at 3/4% and you know what? I’m proud of that. I’m tired of hiding her progress so people can’t pass judgement. Just like with infertility, I have given up so much to breastfeed and I am happy that I am because it is so rewarding. But I’m so tired. I’m tired from worrying. I’m tired from my own anxiety. I’m tired all of the time, and not just from lack of sleep.

I love being C.C.’s mom. I also really need my mom right now. I guess I just needed to say that out loud.

Mom, I need you. You feel like you are getting further away and I hate that so much. I haven’t left the house in weeks. It all feels like too much. I can deal with being in my bubble. Anything more than that is too much. Is it grief? Is it postpartum? I wish I could just talk to you about this, and I wish I could ask you a million questions about how to be a mom, because let me tell you….I am winging it. I don’t have a clue. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when C.C. will only sleep in my arms, I imagine I’m having a conversation with you. I can almost hear your voice, but then you seem so far away. I thought this pain would feel lighter once C.C. was here but now it’s just blended with the intense love I have for her and the intense yearning I have for you.

I wish you were here.

Love you infinity,

Your sweetheart

XOXO