Thanksgiving With Mom — Bonnie Dugan

I’m not sure what year this is. Maybe early 80s? My mom loved the holidays. She was the epitome of holiday spirit.

As I sit here watching the Thanksgiving Parade, I am taken back to a time when we would all travel down to the Art Museum to check it out. My mom always made sure we had snacks and a big thermos of hot chocolate that my sister Heather and I would share (but really I drank all of it). My mom would always let us buy a toy. even though my dad gave her the “eye.” We weren’t allowed to leave until Santa came and I had the ability to shout out what I wanted. My sister Heather and I had recreated that tradition of going to the parade with my niece and nephew. I loved watching them have the same experience we had as kids.

And this was just the start of an amazing day. When we got back home, the television would flip on to a day of watching football. The turkey would already be in the oven offering an amazing smell throughout the house. Music would be playing in the kitchen as my mom got together the snacks which would “hold us over.” Those snacks always included my personal favorite - chippies. It felt so nice to have the entire family together. I’m not sure if it was because I am the youngest and my older sisters had moved out when I was little but I was always very excited to have our family under one roof.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I liked the message of it. I liked to give thanks and express my gratitude for all that I had. I also really enjoyed my day after “Thanksgiving On a Rolls.” Not to mention, my mom made the BEST stuffing, which was a recipe from my grandmom - one that I wish I had now. When I finally bought my house, I was ecstatic about being able to host. I finally had a “thing” I could do. I finally could give back to my parents after all of the years they spent making sure we had a great holiday. Given my first Thanksgiving was right after Henry and I got married, I was even more excited to have both sides of the family. I imagined myself doing this for the next 30+ years. I pictured my children sitting on the couch watching football with my dad or sitting in the kitchen with me and mom as we chatted about everything and anything.

When I first hosted in 2017, I never expected to only have two years of this joy. I have been dreading this day for the past 7+ months (Mom, I can’t believe you’ve been gone that long). But I am grateful that I had those two years with my mom hosting in my house. We were very much a TV tray table type of family and I wanted to create that same casual environment like we had growing up. So of course I came home one day, a few days before Thanksgiving, to a package my mom sent me. You can probably guess what it was - TV tray tables! She would show up with a themed Thanksgiving kit, which included plates, utensils, cups and a cute table cloth to decorate the “food table.” Last year, she also showed up with a Turkey hat that we all had to wear, and some house goodies for me (candles, decorations, etc.) That’s who my mom was. She was just so darn thoughtful. If ever one of us was like, “I could use X, Y, or Z,” it was pretty much guaranteed it would be on our front step in two business days (thanks to Amazon Prime!)

I was scheduled to get laparoscopic surgery on Friday, November 15 but I got a call that pushed it back to Tuesday, November 26. At first I was angry and upset, but then I realized this meant I had a “reason” to avoid Thanksgiving all together. The surgery was semi-successful but I am still left with more questions than answers and I feel deflated. I am not sure why this past year has been so impossible. I am not sure why I am unable to receive the blessings that come so easily to other people. I really don’t know why this is my reality. Cheryl Strayed has a quote in her book Brave Enough that I look at often before I go to bed. She says, “You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding.”

I am having a hard time with this hand that I’ve been given. Today, I am going to lay on my couch, still healing from surgery, and feel lonely and unfortunately that just has to be okay right now. Because my mom is not here and I cannot pretend that she is, nor do I want to.

Please hold tight to your loved ones today because you never know if this might be the last holiday you spend with them.

Mom, I wish you were here to help me get through these obstacles that I’ve been facing. I wish you were here to just hold me in a long hug. I wish you were here with your infectious holiday spirit. I wish we didn’t have to live in this dreadful reality without you here for these major moments. I wish things were easier. I wish things weren’t so hard. I wish you were walking through my front door with Thanksgiving goodies and your undeniably delicious stuffing. The fam is all doing their own thing today, which I think is good as we are all trying to heal but nonetheless, it still makes me sad. Please send me a sign that this dark tunnel will soon have light because it has been dark for far too long.

Love you infinity, Mom.

Love,

Your sweetheart.